Dazed

I’m in a daze. It all seems so surreal. I can either cry or pretend that it’s not that bad but either way it’s constantly in my mind. I wasn’t there, I didn’t know Emily, but still the pain is fresh and deep. Our poor little mountain community. It’ll always be home for me, yet now home has changed and I wasn’t there to experience the pain with my community. So far away from it all, no one here gets it. They try to pin what is wrong on one connection or one reason but it’s not. I’m not crying because I know the classroom or because I was worried about my friends or because our community is mourning. I’m crying because it hurts, whatever it is. I’m disgusted by the horror of it all. And I’m trapped by the fear everyone must have felt. I’m exhausted, yet I can’t sleep. How do we move on? How do I move on being so connected yet disconnected? I face people here in some daze yet trying to appear normal. I may laugh or act normal but I don’t really feel it once the moment up I return to the horror. I want so badly to be connected, to be there with everyone and hug them and tell them I’m so glad you’re ok. From here it’s SO hard. I can’t hardly think about that man. I don’t think of him with a name but as a monster. Who could do something so horrible. Commit suicide, sad but fine, but why destroy the lives of so many before you do. You’ll be gone either way, it’ll make no difference. I can’t see him as a person, I see so much evil. God, how do I love him? How do I ofter forgiveness? How do I love someone who can do something so inhuman? I can’t separate his action from who he must be, who he was!! He’s the epitome of an enemy to me and I can’t seem to love him and hate his sin, it blends too close together. Help. God, couldn’t she have at least been Your’s?

~ by mstone316 on October 1, 2006.